home for a time...

i'm home in MD...for a time. it has been GREAT to have a break from classes, although i think i'll be ready to get back into the groove next month. Maia's had a blast with all her relatives. at least thats how it seems... and her relatives have had a great time with her.

flying in was not the easiest thing. maia just wanted to look around and greet the passengers of our small plane. she was tired, but sleep just wouldn't come. about forty minutes outside of Philly, we began our descend on the city of brotherly love. it was then that maia saw fit to stop her fretting. all spread out before us was the blackness of night burning with infinite number. the plane tilted and the ground became our night sky. the incandescent stars below wooed her to themeselves. a snapshot embedded into her father's skull, sure to remain for many years after.

slowly we began our landing. it would be the beginning of many adventures. reuniting with loved ones, deepening relationships, and several restless nights and late car rides to encourage a young child to sleep. we have shared many meals, smiles, conversations and laughs. soon we must return to our alternate reality called st. louis.

so to those whom we were unable to greet, we wish you many blessings. and if you did not receive our Christmas newsletter, but would like a copy, please drop a line and let me know. we'd love to hear from you.

(see more photos @ www.seilback.com under "matt and kelli")

"home"

almost certainly our church home for st. louis:
http://www.crossroadspres.com

great song. notice also the journal entry, by Loreena McKennitt, below the lyrics.

http://www.xs4all.nl/~josvg/cits/lm/lorecd88.html

Jesus

...and then it hit me. Christ's wounds, that is. they're scars. they're not just holes. you might be able to look through the opening in his hands and see to the other side. but then again, you may not. but what counts is that they're there.

if they're real scars then they look leathery and healed. they aren't still bleeding. they're like the scars that we all share, distortions and mutations of skin that come about from the healing of a wound. and so it must be for him. because he's real. and so are his scars. and one day, by God's grace, i'll see them. one day, he'll reach out his hands and show them to me. but even then i may not be able to see them. my eyes will be blurry and my face will be drenched with tears. i will bow. i will embrace. and i will worship. i will realize complete forgiveness in the completeness of my brokeness.

he's real, you know. though my imagined perceptions of him are way off kilter... he's still real. and for one small moment it hit me. in spite of my self-abosorption, self focus and self loathing... he's still real. he has a face. a personality. he has a body. because he's a man like me. but he's so much more. thank goodness, he's so much more. thank goodness his scars are real. thank God he's God.

so capture my heart, oh wounded one. for i am daily wounded and daily wounding. i am covered with scars. daily i provide the injuries for new scars and daily i receive the wounds that will lead to new scars. so heal my wounds and give meaning to my scars... for the purpose of glorifying yours.

still here

i just realized its been over a month since i posted my last blog. its hard not to post something that i've spent a little bit of time composing. but here goes a quick, 2 min. update. all's well for us in st. louie. classes are keeping very busy. i've got my 3rd greek test next week. looking forward to t-day break and spending time with kelli's parents (will be the first time they've seen maia since august).

maia keeps growing and is continually stretching her clothes to the max. she is smilier than ever. her joy is a contagious hearlifter for both of us. she continues to live up to her name ("healer"). her new thing is reaching out for her uplifted feet when she is lying down. she loves to grab her toes. both her legs, in fact, seem to take on a life of their own when she is lying down. she raises them up and drops them back down again several consecutive times while she lies in her crib, fighting sleep. and she wakes up that way. active. making girly noises and soft yelps. waiting to play. waiting for someone to smile at. her smiles are like an automatic reflex when she wakens. no sooner than she sees us, she's grinning. she seems to be no more in control of her smiles than her random leg lift/drops. its just a part of who she is. kelli and i are both extremely blessed by her daily presence.

kelli is well. she started work at a local church nursery last week. she works there every thurs. so far, there haven't been too many kids, but she enjoys it when there are. we continue to get to know people and to develop relationships with our neighbors. working through new relationships is strange, exciting, imbalanced, weird, and wonderful all at the same time. please pray for us in the deepening of these relationships. please also pray for us as we seek out a more permanent church home (and a good place for an internship).

i am well. last sunday i took an extra large piece of bread for communion. not just to stave off the early afternoon hunger pangs. i stand, more than ever, in need of grace. God's mercy to me in the sacraments and through the means of grace is a daily source of sustanence. he is blessing us here. but its still life. there is still the susceptibility to the routine and the mundane. there is no place i'd rather been right now. here. with my family. studying God's word. thank you for your prayers on our behalf. please continue to hold us up before the throne of grace.

a bit of heaven..

a bit of heaven will fall on you.
a bit of life you'll taste anew.

a bit of heaven in the communion of saints.
a bit of life; a new colour for my soul it paints.

we sing with rejoicing; all shot through with pain.
we sing with delight; his pleasure falling like rain.

and we hear with conviction, this thickness of belief.
and we hear with hunger, this "logos" bringing relief.

heaven surrounds me here at the sound of your singing.
heaven surrounds me here and hope leaves my heart ringing.

update (or " dear brother ryan")

hello all- below is an excerpt from an e-mail to my brother-in-law ryan. by the way, if you're reading this blog, please drop a comment to let me know. there's no need to be a member to do so. just click on the comments link below! thanks,

here's the excerpt:

"thanks so much for your e-mail. its great to hear from "home". things are going well here. busy and stressful -as to be expected- but well all the same. i'm enjoying my classes immensely. they tie together in strange and exciting ways. in one of the classes we've been studying how we know truth and how we know that what we believe is true. ultimately it comes down to faith. but its a confident faith grounded on substantial, meaningful and consistent claims (contrary to the popularity of postmodernism which makes the claim that anything is true... it just depends on the individual). greek is going well, it seems to be coming back to me a good bit.

i'm hoping to get involved in a writing group called "the sword and thistle". its main purpose is to provide students with a venue to give/get feedback on each other's creative writings (not class work stuff, but poems and stories, etc.).

work at "the kings'" has been great too. i enjoy cleaning windows. go figure. its nice to be outside. to move around. and we service some very nice homes (one home had a big screen t.v. mounted above their fireplace. it must have been almost 6' x 5'.... another home had a nice little wine cellar in their basement).

maia and kelli are well. its been tough on kelli at times. transition to finding friends has not been a quick one. but we're developing good relationships now. kelli's doing a great job caring for maia and supporting me (especially emotionally and spiritually). moving here has certainly drawn us closer. maia is smiley, joyful and delightful as ever. she's getting quite big (in the 97th percentile for height and weight at 3 months). She provides much joy and relief to us.

we're getting to know lots of people at the seminary and in our neighborhood. we're surrounded by some great folks. we've got wonderful neighbors and have met some great people at seminary gatherings. one of my new friends is finishing up a book (with another friend) on his journey along (the entirety of) the Appalachian trail. i've read (and heard) a few excerpts already. its a great story... or group of stories rather. i think they have the potential to see it published.

we're settling into Central presbyterian church (evangelical pres., different from my church back home (PCA)), at least for now. we'll try it out for a semester and see how it goes."

all for now,
trying to keep my head above water,
matt

a bit of conviction

i find myself reeling today from three different things. i feel the weight of fear of rejection. i'm wrestling with it and trying to do business with it. as i look around the campus, categories seem to drop out of nowhere. i have perceptions of who i should/will relate to. i have perceptions of who others will/won't relate to. categories never prove very user friendly or gospel-centric. so my convictions lie in two major areas. one: i can't relate to HIM. and two: i've gotta get to know HIM. one pride, the other idolatry. but behind that is an ernest desire to not try and become everyone's friend. that suit, while apparently looking good on me, never fit so well. i'm yearning for the companionship of intimate friends.

the second thing i'm distracted by is a celebration of my ignorance. so it turns out that i don't know as much as i thought i did. and, to tell you the truth, its quite a relief. two big things have come out in the first week of classes. faith is more foundational and more real than i've been letting my heart embrace. the same goes with exegetical, practical teaching/preaching. the Word came to effect our hearts. the "logos" swooped down, infiltrated the ranks, destroyed the whole system and started a revolutionary emancipation. and now we must, in part, command the legions. proper leadership requires proper focus.

and third, but "a priori", is death to self. the conviction to kill self. he was killed. we must kill. he was raised. we are raised up. we've been set on high places, its time for us to act like it. but the battle never ends. the good thing is that our Arsenal is up to the task. we've got one weapon, and it never wears down. its just the language, the misuse and the misapplication that drives us crazy, makes us nuts and pulls us apart. i walk... no i run... today in its light. Col. 3:1-5

job

i start my new job cleaning windows on thurs. company website is: http://www.kingsclean.com/

maia lynn

"a little bit of time can mean a lot" she said as she tucked in the little girl's shirt tag giving me time to hold her while she prepared the crib.

as i sat there and rocked maia i realized how quickly you can begin to let time slip by. i was too quickly thinking, "i've gotta get back to work". her head was nestled camly against my chest. her breathing shallow and relaxed. i think i could feel her growing taller and heavier while i held her.

just last week she became uncomfortable as i was changing her. she let out a two syllable yelp, "mama". i freeze where i stood. if you've ever witnessed a car wreck, you know how time suddently expands, the air becomes eerily calm and your entire body is uncomfortably aware of your surroundings. her innoncent exclamation made my entire being go fuzzy. what was that? a clumsy collection of murmurs or a child prodigy's cry for the maternal?

i stood up from the glider to lay her in her crib. wrapping her up, i was instructed not to do it so tightly. wasn't that how i swaddled this newborn yesterday? but now she needs room to kick. when she's awake and alert she stares and smiles less at us now then she stares at her colorful surroundings. everything is beautiful. book spines are fantasmic, and strange. a room explodes into an array of colors. every light is a tiny sun, its surrounding objects a limitless universe. for maia there are galaxies to explore in the living room. she smiles relentlessly, and convictingly, at strange strangers. and holding up her own weight or playing underneath her play "gym" is a difficult, but irresistible challenge.

but now, as we lay her down to sleep, all is quiet. except for a few mumbled sighs and two grunts. "goodnight my daughter, goodnight child." i say. kelli kisses her, "this one is from grandma and pop-pop, this one is from gran and poppy...this one is from me." when she is alert, she hears her grandparents on the phone... and looks for them. but now, she sleeps. her right arm bends up by her head, her lips pressed against her elbow; a learned pose to hold her pacifier in place. and she dreams of universes gliding in and out her crib.

strange dreams

is it weird that kelli and i both had the same themes in our dreams two nights in a row? friday night she dreams about people cliff jumping. the people around her try to coax her into jumping off an impossibly high cliff into the water below. the same night i dream of climbing a high tower and then, as i reach the top, plummet into a pool as the bottom as the tower gives way.

last night (saturday) kelli dreamt of swimming to the bottom of a treacherously deep body of water while i dreamt of accidently driving off a cliff into the Chesapeake bay.

Falling and drowing. Neither are fun ways to go.

so next week we take the plunge into the frightening unknown. its always the anticipation that's the worst. perhaps anticipation is best at drawing out the metaphors in our subconsciousness. perhpas its my brain's way of saying: "what are you worrying about this crazy apartment for?!? you're starting your masters' degree in one week!" i don't even like typing that... much less focusing on it... "master's degree".

strange things await. some things secret. some things new. some things old though wrapped up with shiny packaging and unfamiliar faces. soon enough we won't be "new" anymore but simply a part of the pursuit.

what if everything reversed and all was changed back to what was reality only a couple of weeks ago? no, its too late now. to go backward in time would be too strange.

its nearly time to take command. to charge forward. to "seize the day" and to "put the nose to the grindstone". i'm ready. let's go.

new beginnings

"goodbye" on saturday seems that it will be less than, but much more than, "goodbye" at the same time. maybe its because my goodbyes have been spread out so thin for so long. perhaps its because there have been so many goodbyes (said to some people multiple times) that "goodbye" is losing its meaning... like saying "banana" over and over again...

the goodbyes are much more than "goodbye" because they are "thank you" to so many people. they are thank yous to family and friends who have impacted me the 7 years that i have been in lancaster. and they are thank you’s to those I’ve belonged for the nearly 27 years that i have been counted among the Seilback Clan.

goodbye is strange. especially considering our current course of goodbyes. "it isn't really 'goodbye', its just 'see you @ christmas'". at least that’s what kelli and i keep telling ourselves and one another. but that’s not necessarily true. who will we see again in 6 months? who will still be around? lives change and people move on. who knows what will be in 6 months.

one of the things that breaks my heart the most is seeing my daughter's grandparents' saying goodbye to Maia. its frustrating to know that they will miss out on large chunks of her growth. but, who knows, maybe they will see her only a little less than if we had stayed in the area. there's always reason to be hopeful for lots of visits back and forth.

ultimately i know that this is not the final goodbye. it IS, in many ways, just "see you later". but it is not "see you later" without consequence, difficulty or a price.

i have said goodbyes with sadness, i have said goodbyes with detachment, i have said goodbyes in distraction and i have said goodbyes out of necessity... but my favorite goodbyes of all are those filled with sorrow. these are the goodbyes that are so filled with meaning, beauty, truth and love that i can hardly bear it. so to all my friends here on the east coast... goodbye. but only for a little while...