is it weird that kelli and i both had the same themes in our dreams two nights in a row? friday night she dreams about people cliff jumping. the people around her try to coax her into jumping off an impossibly high cliff into the water below. the same night i dream of climbing a high tower and then, as i reach the top, plummet into a pool as the bottom as the tower gives way.
last night (saturday) kelli dreamt of swimming to the bottom of a treacherously deep body of water while i dreamt of accidently driving off a cliff into the Chesapeake bay.
Falling and drowing. Neither are fun ways to go.
so next week we take the plunge into the frightening unknown. its always the anticipation that's the worst. perhaps anticipation is best at drawing out the metaphors in our subconsciousness. perhpas its my brain's way of saying: "what are you worrying about this crazy apartment for?!? you're starting your masters' degree in one week!" i don't even like typing that... much less focusing on it... "master's degree".
strange things await. some things secret. some things new. some things old though wrapped up with shiny packaging and unfamiliar faces. soon enough we won't be "new" anymore but simply a part of the pursuit.
what if everything reversed and all was changed back to what was reality only a couple of weeks ago? no, its too late now. to go backward in time would be too strange.
its nearly time to take command. to charge forward. to "seize the day" and to "put the nose to the grindstone". i'm ready. let's go.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Saturday, August 06, 2005
new beginnings
"goodbye" on saturday seems that it will be less than, but much more than, "goodbye" at the same time. maybe its because my goodbyes have been spread out so thin for so long. perhaps its because there have been so many goodbyes (said to some people multiple times) that "goodbye" is losing its meaning... like saying "banana" over and over again...
the goodbyes are much more than "goodbye" because they are "thank you" to so many people. they are thank yous to family and friends who have impacted me the 7 years that i have been in lancaster. and they are thank you’s to those I’ve belonged for the nearly 27 years that i have been counted among the Seilback Clan.
goodbye is strange. especially considering our current course of goodbyes. "it isn't really 'goodbye', its just 'see you @ christmas'". at least that’s what kelli and i keep telling ourselves and one another. but that’s not necessarily true. who will we see again in 6 months? who will still be around? lives change and people move on. who knows what will be in 6 months.
one of the things that breaks my heart the most is seeing my daughter's grandparents' saying goodbye to Maia. its frustrating to know that they will miss out on large chunks of her growth. but, who knows, maybe they will see her only a little less than if we had stayed in the area. there's always reason to be hopeful for lots of visits back and forth.
ultimately i know that this is not the final goodbye. it IS, in many ways, just "see you later". but it is not "see you later" without consequence, difficulty or a price.
i have said goodbyes with sadness, i have said goodbyes with detachment, i have said goodbyes in distraction and i have said goodbyes out of necessity... but my favorite goodbyes of all are those filled with sorrow. these are the goodbyes that are so filled with meaning, beauty, truth and love that i can hardly bear it. so to all my friends here on the east coast... goodbye. but only for a little while...
the goodbyes are much more than "goodbye" because they are "thank you" to so many people. they are thank yous to family and friends who have impacted me the 7 years that i have been in lancaster. and they are thank you’s to those I’ve belonged for the nearly 27 years that i have been counted among the Seilback Clan.
goodbye is strange. especially considering our current course of goodbyes. "it isn't really 'goodbye', its just 'see you @ christmas'". at least that’s what kelli and i keep telling ourselves and one another. but that’s not necessarily true. who will we see again in 6 months? who will still be around? lives change and people move on. who knows what will be in 6 months.
one of the things that breaks my heart the most is seeing my daughter's grandparents' saying goodbye to Maia. its frustrating to know that they will miss out on large chunks of her growth. but, who knows, maybe they will see her only a little less than if we had stayed in the area. there's always reason to be hopeful for lots of visits back and forth.
ultimately i know that this is not the final goodbye. it IS, in many ways, just "see you later". but it is not "see you later" without consequence, difficulty or a price.
i have said goodbyes with sadness, i have said goodbyes with detachment, i have said goodbyes in distraction and i have said goodbyes out of necessity... but my favorite goodbyes of all are those filled with sorrow. these are the goodbyes that are so filled with meaning, beauty, truth and love that i can hardly bear it. so to all my friends here on the east coast... goodbye. but only for a little while...
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